That’s how we live it. In a dream state of waiting.
I’ve been waiting for something my whole life.The next goddam thing. My next project, my next experience, my next job, my next relationship, and at some point we come up with a donut when life says, that’s it, no more nexts.
What a valuable and painful experience it is to spend this much time solo. To be in this painful stall. I’ll be honest, I’m benefiting from it and I’m really hating it at the same damn time.
With no one else there to co-regulate with, the underpinning reality of life comes flooding in if you allow it, and, I’ve allowed it because it has become my teacher and I know it’s correcting the dysfunction inside me.
When I was a kid I used to like to sketch things in pen when I was bored. I drew this dream house of mine. It’s at the bottom of this blog. It speaks volumes to me in terms of our conditioning, dream houses, dream jobs, dreams of cars, success, love and everything in between.
I found this drawing in an old book of mine and I now see the enjoyment was in the drawing of the house. It had nothing to do with the house itself at all. We don’t live in houses, they live in us. I know this to be true. I had to find out the hard way.
Life is a process, not an outcome or an object. Shit, if only I could go back and tell that kid that.
The learning of a child from their society and peers is objective. Everything in life we are taught is an objective. I can see it in my own history.
No one tells you what love really is, or that life itself is subjective and, of course, it is. How could it not be?
Love is not an object, but that’s how I viewed it, always chasing it from others, objectives and objective things.
The real love I was chasing was inside myself, as I think it is for most of us. I think when we find it inside ourselves, we can finally, authenticity give it to another and live in a house of love rather than in the love of a house.
We are brain washed into believing love is out there in the world and the further out you chase it, the more bloody lonely and isolated you become.
We leave ourselves in the chase and it’s no different to leaving a little kid on a street corner. How is that kid not going to feel frightened, threatened, defensive, alienated and desperately searching for love?
There is nothing wrong with objectives as long as you don’t define yourself by them or lose yourself in them.
Life is made of love and “no-thing” else.