Getting the hell out of your own road, that’s what this quote means. We make this profound choice to allow life to strengthen us or weaken us.
Why would you willingly choose to weaken yourself? And yet, this is what we do when we descend into victimhood. We become trapped.
Life is hard, no doubt about it. She is an unrelenting, sometimes brutal teacher who gives no quarter. I intuit that life is feminine, like the mirror we look out into each day of nature. She deals only with facts and the fictions are the product of our whims, likes, dislikes, loves, fears and doubts.
This is where the perceived brutality lies. In my own opinion, if it arises, it will dissolve. Everything you think you know about yourself or others, everything you have amassed, everyone you have ever known and loved.
Change is the constant, a revolving door of coming and going in micro and macro. If you can perceive it, it is going to dissolve. This is an immutable law.
We try and rub up against it. Man, what a waste of time and energy. The strange thing is, when life gives you enough body blows, and you stay present with it, a strange freedom starts to rise.
This freedom is the growing sense that the observer of all this coming and going is detached and not moving. However, we love who we love and we love what we love, and when it, or they leave us, there is this intense energy called grief that moves through us.
The true presence is to not distract ourselves from that process. To allow fate to do what it will, what other choice can we really make?
My own brain and heart have expanded so fast in the last 12 months that I can scarcely recognise myself, and so, yes, even this messy conglomerate of self-definition can change profoundly when I am forced by life itself to let go of what I was attached to in myself and others.
When fate steps in and deals the cards, call it karma or any other moniker that you want to put on it, it changes and it just is. We learn the lessons after the fact, what an irony.
There are times when the grief of change is so intense it feels as if my heart and brain will explode into pure oblivion. But to just accept and admit we just don’t know where we are being pushed to, and to let the energy carry you to the memories, experiences, the regrets, the lost opportunities and to realise there is no power to change anything, the brutal teacher of life is just as she is. All we can do is learn and move forward.
Otherwise we freeze and become trapped. My parents are gone, my loves are gone, the places I called home are gone and ultimately I am gone too.
Who the hell am I now?
I’m still here, the show is still going, and it occurs to me deeply and profoundly that the lesson is slowly starting to rise into awareness. It is a show and I am it’s projector.
This projector has filters that have a lifetime of ideas about what has happened and is happening. Burnt into my subconscious, it colours the world born of childhood trauma, and as that trauma rises to the surface like everything else, I am finally starting to awaken to the fact that freedom is in fact the full acceptance of every single thing that has ever happened to me.
As hard as it is, the love of fate as the teacher is the only thing that can bring us into the light of true freedom. So, to all those going through it, keep going, keep accepting, keep loving.